What do you miss the most about falling in love? Maybe it’s the butterflies you felt when they’d call, the excitement of the first kiss, or the thrill of discovering a whole new world together. You’re not alone. When I’ve asked couples this question, their answers echo universal experiences: the spark, the fascination, the shared passion.
These experiences, the thrill of falling in love, fade over time for most couples. In my experience, only about 8% of couples feel those “falling in love” feelings years down the road. This decline might feel disheartening, but the good news is that the thrill doesn’t have to be gone for good. Through effort, mindfulness, and some powerful shifts in perspective, you can rekindle that spark and fall in love all over again.
What’s Missing: Recalling the Thrill of Falling in Love
When couples look back, they often reminisce about the feeling of intense, focused interest and attraction that made falling in love so magical. Here are some common themes that come up:
Excitement: The thrill of receiving a call or text from your partner, the anticipation of seeing each other, the “butterflies” that come with early love.
Romance and Effort: The thoughtfulness that went into each date, the special ways you showed appreciation and made each other feel valued.
Fascination: A time when you could talk for hours, deeply curious about each other’s thoughts, dreams, and stories.
Natural Acceptance: Differences felt interesting, not irritating. You were willing to overlook quirks because you were so captivated by each other.
Physical Passion: An intense desire and attraction, where physical intimacy came naturally and passionately.
Feeling Prioritised: There was no doubt that you were each other’s number one, a feeling of being valued and adored.
These elements together create what I like to call Thrill—the spark that keeps couples connected, excited, and deeply attracted to each other. It’s the essence of those “falling in love” feelings. But over time, and under the weight of daily routines, career pressures, and responsibilities, many couples find this thrill slipping away.
Why Does the Thrill Fade?
When we first fall in love, everything is new and thrilling by nature. There’s novelty, surprise, and an endless world of discovery. However, over time, most couples fall into what I call “Marriage Incorporated” or “Relationship Inc.” This is when you shift from being lovers to business partners, managing the responsibilities of life.
Marriage Inc. looks like this:
Coordinating schedules, handling bills, discussing family logistics, and keeping the household running smoothly. Prioritising work, errands, and to-do lists over quality time together. Communicating mainly about practical topics instead of things that spark joy or curiosity about each other.
In other words, you get into a routine that, while efficient, lacks the elements of surprise, adventure, and romance that you once enjoyed. This doesn’t mean your love has diminished; it’s just become buried beneath the practicalities of life.
The Passion Triangle
One of the most effective ways to bring the thrill back is to build the Passion Triangle. This helps couples keep the magic alive by focusing on three areas: Thrill, Intimacy, and Commitment. To truly feel those “falling in love” feelings again, you need all three areas working together.
Thrill: This is the excitement, attraction, and spark we often miss in long-term relationships.
Intimacy: This is the closeness and emotional connection that allows us to feel truly seen, heard, and valued.
Commitment: This is the foundation of security and mutual support, the promise that we’re in it for the long haul. When you actively nurture each area, you create a relationship that can withstand the test of time, keeping the magic alive even through the years.
3 Tips to Help You Fall Back in Love from Marriage Counselling Redlands
Let’s focus on rekindling that thrill in your relationship. While there are many ways to build intimacy and commitment, these tips are designed to breathe life back into the Thrill area of your relationship. Here’s how to get started:
1. Recognise the Problem: Are You Stuck in “Marriage Inc.”?
The first step is to recognise if your relationship has shifted into “Marriage Inc.” Be honest with yourself: Are you running the “business of us”? This phase is common for couples who have been together for several years, especially if you’re juggling careers, kids, and a busy life. The day-to-day responsibilities can easily take over, leaving little room for romance and connection.
Action Step: Make a conscious vow to invest in your relationship. Revisit the “date” mindset you had when you first met. Commit to rediscovering each other, to put intentional time and effort into making each other feel valued and excited. For example, one couple I know sets aside one evening a month as “Their Night”—no kids, no chores, just time to connect and enjoy each other’s company.
2. Embrace the Power of Novelty: Create New Experiences Together
One of the reasons falling in love feels so intense is the element of novelty. In those early days, everything feels new and exciting; there’s an endless world to explore together. Over time, the routine replaces novelty, and the thrill fades. But while you can’t go back to the beginning, you can create new experiences now.
Action Step: Make a list of things you’ve always wanted to try and plan to do them together. It could be something as simple as trying a new restaurant, or as adventurous as planning a weekend getaway to somewhere new. Novelty brings excitement, and excitement brings attraction.
A client couple I worked with, Sarah and Tom (not their real names), took this advice to heart. They decided to take a dance class together, something neither had done before. At first, they felt awkward, but soon they were laughing, touching, and connecting in a way they hadn’t for years. The novelty reawakened a part of their relationship they had forgotten about, and they found themselves looking forward to their weekly class, reigniting the spark they had been missing.
3. Design Adventures That Strengthen Attraction and Connection
Novelty doesn’t have to be limited to big trips or classes—it can be woven into everyday life. Sometimes, just taking a break from routine together can remind you why you fell in love in the first place. Studies show that couples who engage in new and exciting activities report feeling more attracted to each other. Even small changes in your routine, like taking a scenic walk instead of sitting in front of the TV, can help reignite that spark.
Action Step: Plan an adventure together, big or small. Think of something that would be meaningful and memorable, such as a romantic hike, visiting a new art gallery, or simply spending an evening stargazing. The goal is to break the pattern of “same-old” and replace it with something that brings a sense of freshness and connection.
One of my clients recently shared a story about a surprise birthday trip she planned for her husband. She took him to a remote lodge, where they spent the weekend hiking, horseback riding, and exploring nature. They were out of their usual environment, free from daily responsibilities, and it allowed them to rediscover each other. They returned home feeling more connected than they had in months.
Rekindling the Thrill: Small Shifts, Big Impact
Reigniting the thrill isn’t about drastic changes; it’s about making small but consistent efforts to see each other with fresh eyes. Treat your partner like the amazing, fascinating person they are—even after all these years. Don’t wait for your partner to initiate romance or take you on a date; be proactive in creating opportunities for connection.
When you bring this mindset into your relationship, you’ll start to see your partner in a new light. The little things they do will feel more endearing, and your appreciation for them will deepen. The thrill may seem lost, but it’s not gone—it’s just waiting for you to notice it again.
Falling in Love Again, With the One You’re Already With
Most of us have been taught to believe that the “falling in love” stage is something we experience only once. But the truth is, you can fall in love with your partner again and again throughout your lives. All it takes is a commitment to keep rediscovering each other, a willingness to make the effort, and a readiness to embrace novelty and adventure.
So, what will you do this week to rekindle the thrill in your relationship? Try one of these tips, put in the effort, and see how it transforms your connection. Remember, it’s not about going backward—it’s about moving forward together in new and exciting ways. The thrill can last a lifetime; it just needs a little nurturing to stay alive. And as you rediscover each other, you may just find yourself falling in love all over again, with the one you’re already with
Debra Bragança is a registered Counsellor with The Australian Counselling Association and works with both adults and couples impacted from trauma, anxiety, chronic illness, depression and relationship issues, including affairs and betrayals.
She is trained in a number of evidence-based therapies including CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy), CPT (Cognitive Processing Therapy), ACT (Acceptance & Commitment Therapy) and Gottman Couples Therapy, including Affair & Betrayal Recovery.