Emotional intelligence (EI) is a term that’s been buzzing around in the realm of relationships, especially marriage. But what does it really mean? Simply put, emotional intelligence is the ability to recognise, understand, and manage our emotions while also being attuned to the emotions of others. In the context of relationships, particularly marriages, this skill can be the glue that holds everything together.

Why Emotional Intelligence Matters
Imagine a couple, Sarah and John, who have been married for several years. They have a beautiful home and two lovely children, yet they often find themselves in heated arguments over trivial matters. The root of their conflict? A lack of emotional intelligence. Sarah feels unheard when John dismisses her feelings about their busy schedules. Meanwhile, John struggles to express his own stress, leading to frustration that manifests in short, snappy responses.
Without emotional intelligence, misunderstandings can snowball into bigger issues. This can create a cycle of resentment, where one partner feels neglected, and the other feels overwhelmed. Over time, this can lead to emotional distance, a breakdown of communication, and even the risk of separation.
The Negative Effects of Neglecting EI
When couples fail to develop emotional intelligence, the consequences can be severe. Lack of empathy can lead to feelings of isolation, making partners feel like they are fighting their battles alone. Take the example of Lisa and Mark. Mark tends to brush off Lisa's worries about work, thinking he’s being supportive by encouraging her to “just relax.” However, Lisa feels dismissed and unvalued, which creates a rift between them.
As negative emotions fester, they can escalate into larger conflicts, creating a toxic environment. This not only affects the partners but can also have a ripple effect on children and family dynamics. If emotional intelligence isn’t prioritised, the relationship may struggle to thrive.
The Role of Emotional Intelligence in Relationships
Emotional intelligence plays a crucial role in several aspects of relationships:
Enhancing Communication: Effective communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. Couples with high emotional intelligence can express their feelings clearly and constructively. They understand that it's not just about what is said, but how it’s delivered. For example, using "I" statements can help convey feelings without sounding accusatory. Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” one might say, “I feel overlooked when I’m trying to share my thoughts.”
Managing Conflict: Every relationship faces conflict, but emotional intelligence equips couples with the tools to navigate disagreements more constructively. When partners can recognise their emotions and those of their partner, they’re more likely to approach conflicts with curiosity rather than defensiveness. For instance, if Sarah feels upset, instead of lashing out, she might express, “I’m feeling overwhelmed. Can we talk about what’s bothering me?” This opens the door for a dialogue rather than a fight.
Building Empathy: Empathy is a key component of emotional intelligence, allowing partners to understand and share each other's feelings. When John acknowledges Sarah's struggles and validates her emotions, it fosters a deeper connection. Empathy can transform a simple moment of sharing into an opportunity for bonding and support.
Strengthening Intimacy: Emotional intelligence also plays a role in fostering intimacy. When partners feel safe to express their vulnerabilities, it creates a deeper sense of closeness. Sharing fears, dreams, and insecurities can enhance emotional bonds. For instance, if Lisa opens up about her anxiety regarding a work project, it allows Mark to provide support and strengthens their connection.
Fostering Resilience: Life is full of ups and downs, and emotional intelligence can help couples weather storms more effectively. By being attuned to each other’s emotional states, partners can provide the support needed during challenging times. When one partner is facing stress, the other can step in with understanding and reassurance, reinforcing the team mentality that is vital in marriage.
How to Improve Emotional Intelligence
So, how can couples enhance their emotional intelligence? Here are some practical steps:
Practice Active Listening: Make a conscious effort to listen to your partner without interrupting. Reflect back what you hear to ensure you understand their feelings. For instance, if Sarah shares her frustrations, John can respond with, “It sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed and need more support. How can I help?” This not only validates her feelings but also opens up a space for collaboration.
Express Emotions Openly: Encourage an environment where both partners feel safe to express their feelings. Sharing vulnerabilities can foster deeper connections. Mark could say, “I understand that you’re feeling stressed about work, and I want to be here for you. Let’s talk about it.” This kind of openness can lead to a greater understanding of each other’s emotional landscapes.
Cultivate Empathy: Try to see situations from your partner’s perspective. If Lisa is upset about her job, rather than offering solutions right away, Mark could ask, “What is it that’s bothering you the most?” This simple change can help Lisa feel valued and understood, reinforcing a supportive bond.
Manage Your Own Emotions: Recognising your own emotional triggers is vital. If you feel anger rising, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts before responding. This can prevent hurtful words from being spoken in the heat of the moment. Practicing mindfulness techniques can help both partners remain grounded during emotionally charged situations.
Seek Professional Guidance: Sometimes, it can be beneficial to work with a counsellor or therapist who specialises in emotional intelligence and relationship dynamics such as marriage counselling redlands. They can provide tools and strategies tailored to your unique situation. Couples counselling can serve as a safe space to explore emotions and improve communication.
Engage in Regular Check-Ins: Set aside time regularly to discuss feelings, needs, and any concerns in the relationship. This proactive approach can help prevent misunderstandings from escalating and provide a routine for emotional connection.
Read and Learn Together: Consider reading books or attending workshops on emotional intelligence as a couple. Engaging with new ideas and strategies together can enhance your bond and provide fresh insights.
Emotional intelligence is a vital ingredient for nurturing and sustaining healthy relationships, particularly in marriage. By fostering an environment of understanding, empathy, and open communication, couples can strengthen their bonds and navigate the challenges of life together more effectively.
Investing in emotional intelligence not only improves individual relationships but also contributes to a healthier family dynamic. Children learn from their parents, and a household that values emotional awareness sets a positive example for the next generation.
It’s never too late to work on your emotional intelligence; the effort can lead to a more fulfilling and connected partnership. If you’re looking to improve your relationship through emotional intelligence, consider speaking with a counsellor who can provide personalised guidance and support tailored to your needs. Remember, cultivating emotional intelligence is a journey, and every step taken is a step toward a deeper, more resilient connection with your partner.

Debra Bragança is a registered Counsellor with The Australian Counselling Association and works with both adults and couples impacted from trauma, anxiety, chronic illness, depression and relationship issues, including affairs and betrayals.
She is trained in a number of evidence-based therapies including CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy), CPT (Cognitive Processing Therapy), ACT (Acceptance & Commitment Therapy) and Gottman Couples Therapy, including Affair & Betrayal Recovery.