Are Your Expectations Hurting Your Relationship? Here’s How to Reset and Reconnect

“I thought you’d just know…”

Most couples don’t fall apart because of one big moment.

It’s usually the quiet, everyday expectations we carry - the ones we never say out loud.

“Why didn’t you help?”

“Why didn’t you call?”

“Why don’t you care the way I care?”

Expectations are normal. But when they become rigid, unspoken, or unrealistic, they slowly chip away at connection. They create disappointment, resentment, and distance - even in couples who genuinely love each other. If you’ve ever felt frustrated that your partner should just understand something… you’re not alone.

In counselling sessions with women and couples across Redlands, Brisbane, and around Australia, this theme comes up again and again: The expectations we carry quietly become the disconnection we feel loudly.

Why We Have Expectations in the First Place

Expectations aren’t bad. They come from:

•  What we saw growing up

• Our cultural or family norms

• Attachment needs

• Past hurts or betrayals

• Beliefs about gender roles

• Personality differences

• We form mental pictures about how love should look.

The problem is when our partners have a completely different picture… and neither of us realises it.

Example: 

You grew up in a family where everyone cleaned up immediately after dinner.

Your partner grew up in a home where dishes were done “when you felt like it.”

Neither person is wrong. But both feel irritated because the other isn’t meeting an expectation that was never actually discussed.

When Expectations Turn into Pressure

Research from the Gottman Institute shows that disappointment builds when partners assume rather than communicate needs. The pattern often looks like this:

1. You expect something.

2. Your partner doesn’t do it.

3. You feel hurt, annoyed, or unimportant.

4. You react (withdraw, criticise, shut down, get sarcastic).

5. Your partner feels judged or attacked.

6. They either defend themselves or pull away.

7. And so the cycle continues.

EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) adds another layer: Behind every angry reaction is a deeper emotional need - usually to feel important, cared for, or safe with your partner.

But most couples show the surface emotion (frustration) and hide the true emotion (fear of disconnection).

The Most Common Unspoken Expectations in Relationships

Here are the expectations that quietly create the most conflict in the couples I support in counselling:

1. “You should know what I need without me asking.”

 This one is incredibly common.

It comes from a belief that if your partner loves you, they’ll “just get you.”

But mind-reading isn’t intimacy - communication is.

2. “We should want the same things.”

 This applies to sex, holidays, parenting, chores, spending, and affection.

But differences don’t mean incompatibility - they mean you’re human.

3. “You should change because it matters to me.”

 Sometimes partners feel:

“If you cared, you’d stop doing that.”

But the behaviour may have nothing to do with care - it might be habit, overwhelm, or simply not understanding the impact.

4. “You should handle stress the same way I do.”

 One partner wants to talk immediately.

The other needs space.

Both feel misunderstood.

5. “You should react the way I would react.”

 This one causes deep frustration.

We see our response as reasonable… and theirs as wrong.

How Partner Expectations Damage Relationships

Expectations become harmful when they turn into:

• Chronic disappointment

 You feel like your partner is never quite meeting the mark.

• Emotional distance

 It becomes safer to expect less than risk being hurt again.

• Resentment

 Little hurts stack up over time.

• Criticism and defensiveness

 Gottman calls these two behaviours “relationship killers.”

• Feeling invisible or unimportant

 You start to feel like your needs don’t matter.

•  Losing the sense of being a team

 You shift into “me vs you,” instead of “us together.”

A Real-Life Example of How Expectations Influence Conflict

The situation:

Sarah comes home exhausted from work and sees toys all over the lounge.

She expected her partner Mark to tidy up because she mentioned she had a huge day.

Mark, meanwhile, had spent the afternoon playing with the kids, cooking dinner, and trying to get everyone bathed.

Sarah’s internal story:

 “If he cared about me, he would’ve cleaned the loungeroom.”

Mark’s internal story:

 “I did so much today and it’s still not enough.”

Both feel unappreciated.

Both feel misunderstood.

Both feel disconnected.

The problem isn’t the toys.

It’s the unspoken expectations.

What Gottman Teaches Us About Expectations

 According to John and Julie Gottman, successful relationships aren’t built on never disappointing each other. They’re built on:

1. Clear communication of needs

Not assumptions.

Not mind-reading.

2. Turning toward each other

Noticing small bids for connection and responding in supportive ways.

3. Repair attempts

Being able to say, “I’m sorry, that didn’t come out right,” or “I know we’re stuck - let’s try again.”

4. Flexibility

Understanding that partners won’t always match our expectations — and that’s OK.

What EFT Shows Us About Expectations

 Emotionally Focused Therapy explains that expectations are tied to attachment needs:

“Will you be there for me?”

 “Can I rely on you?”

 “Do I matter to you?”

 “Are we still connected?”

When an expectation isn’t met, it’s rarely about the chore, the comment, or the missed moment.

It’s about whether the relationship still feels emotionally secure.

This insight helps couples stop fighting about the surface problem… and start understanding the emotional need underneath.

How to Manage Partner Expectations in a Healthy Way

Here are practical strategies you can use - individually or as a couple - to create more understanding, closeness, and teamwork in your relationship.

1. Say the expectation out loud

This is the simplest and hardest step.

Instead of hoping your partner “gets it,” try:

“When you help tidy up before bed, I feel more supported.”

“Can we talk tonight? I really need some reassurance.”

“If we’re running late, it helps me feel calmer when we leave early.”

Clear communication prevents resentment.

2. Explain the why behind your expectation

It softens the message instantly.

Example:

Instead of “Why didn’t you call me back?”

Try:

“When I don’t hear from you, I start to worry that something’s wrong or that I’m not on your radar.”

This moves the conversation from accusation to emotional connection.

3. Check if the expectation is realistic

Some expectations are fair and human.

Others might need adjusting.

Ask yourself:

Is this something they can reasonably do?

Is this based on my family background, not ours?

Is this something we’ve ever actually talked about?

4. Create shared agreements

Not rigid rules - shared understandings.

For example:

“On weekdays, whoever cooks doesn’t clean.”

“We spend 10 minutes reconnecting when we both get home.”

“Sundays are slow mornings together.”

Small agreements become powerful anchors of connection.

5. Repair quickly when expectations aren’t met

You will disappoint each other. That’s inevitable.

But the repair is what matters.

Simple repair lines:

“Hey, I realise I didn’t respond the way you needed. I’m sorry.”

 "Can we have a redo on that conversation?”

“I know you expected more — can we talk about it?”

6. Understand your partner’s attachment needs

Ask:

“What does this mean to you?”

“What are you needing underneath this?”

“What helps you feel cared for?”

You’ll often discover it’s not about the dishwasher… it’s about feeling valued.

7. Seek counselling when you’re stuck

When expectations turn into bigger patterns - criticism, avoidance, shutdowns - couples counselling can help break the cycle. Through Gottman-informed and EFT-based approaches, couples learn:

• What expectations they’ve been carrying

• How these create emotional triggers

• How to express needs without blame

• How to rebuild trust and closeness

Many couples I support (women, men, and partners across Redlands, Brisbane and Australia online) find relief.

You’re Not Expecting Too Much - You’re Expecting Silently

The issue isn’t that you have needs.

The issue is that they’ve stayed unspoken, misunderstood, or carried alone.

Healthy relationships aren’t built on perfect partners - they’re built on communication, flexibility, curiosity, and emotional connection.

If you and your partner feel stuck, disappointed, or disconnected because of expectations, you’re not alone. And you’re not failing.

You’re human.

And you can absolutely repair this.

If you’d like support navigating partner expectations, rebuilding trust, or reconnecting emotionally, Anchoring Your Life Counselling offers warm, evidence-based counselling for women and couples in Redlands, Brisbane, and Australia-wide online.

You deserve a relationship where you feel understood, supported, and valued - not stressed by expectations, but strengthened by shared understanding.

Debra Bragança is a registered Counsellor with The Australian Counselling Association. She supports women, couples and families to help them work through life's many challenges.

She is trained in a number of evidence-based therapies including CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), CPT (Cognitive Processing Therapy), ACT (Acceptance & Commitment Therapy), Emotionally Focused Therapy for Individuals, Couples & Families (EFT), Gottman Couples Method Therapy, including Affair & Trauma Recovery and is certified in Clinical Trauma.