The Slow Burn of Resentment: How It Damages Relationships (and What You Can Do About It)

Resentment doesn’t usually appear overnight. It builds quietly - in the sighs, the rolled eyes, the conversations left unfinished, and the moments where one partner feels unseen or unappreciated.

Maybe you’ve caught yourself thinking:

• “Why do I have to be the one who always puts in the effort?”

• “They never seem to notice what I do.”

• “It feels like I’m carrying this relationship alone.”

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many couples who come to Anchoring Your Life Counselling describe resentment as a “slow drift” - something that crept in gradually, leaving them feeling distant and disconnected.

But while resentment can corrode love over time, the good news is that it’s not permanent. With awareness, honesty, and small, consistent effort, you can stop resentment from taking over - and rebuild a relationship that feels emotionally safe and connected again.

What Is Resentment in a Relationship

Resentment is often described as anger that has nowhere to go. It’s what happens when you feel hurt or unacknowledged but don’t feel able to express it safely or effectively. Over time, those unspoken frustrations settle in like emotional sediment - layer upon layer - until even small things start to feel heavy.

You might notice resentment showing up as:

• Constant irritation or sarcasm

• Keeping score (“I’ve done more than you”)

• Avoiding conversations to keep the peace

• Feeling emotionally distant or shut down

• Loss of warmth, humour, or affection

When resentment grows, it erodes the foundation of the relationship. Trust begins to fade, and both partners start to interpret each other’s actions through a lens of hurt or disappointment.

How Resentment Slowly Corrodes a Relationship

At first, resentment can seem subtle - like a quiet tension that lingers after an argument or a small disappointment that never really gets repaired. But left unaddressed, it starts to create emotional walls.

Here’s how it often unfolds:

1. A need goes unmet. You feel lonely, unsupported, or misunderstood.

2. It doesn’t get addressed. Maybe you don’t want to start another fight, or you tell yourself it’s not worth bringing up.

3. Bitterness builds. The same issue happens again, and your frustration grows stronger.

4. Connection fades. Over time, small irritations turn into distance, criticism, or withdrawal.

In the Gottman Method, this pattern is often linked to what’s called “negative sentiment override” - when the relationship’s emotional tone becomes so strained that even neutral or positive interactions are interpreted negatively.

Instead of seeing your partner’s forgetfulness as human, you start seeing it as proof that they don’t care. Instead of assuming the best, you start expecting the worst. And slowly, the relationship becomes defined by resentment rather than connection.

What Fuels Resentment Between Partners?

Several factors can cause resentment to grow:

• Unequal effort or emotional labour: One partner feels they’re doing most of the work - emotionally, mentally, or practically.

• Unresolved conflicts: Old wounds that were never repaired quietly shape new arguments.

• Unspoken needs: When needs for affection, appreciation, or autonomy aren’t expressed, they often turn into blame.

• Lack of emotional safety: If someone fears conflict, they may suppress their feelings - until they come out as resentment later.

• Broken trust or betrayals: Even small betrayals of trust (like minimising feelings or dismissing concerns) can leave lingering pain.

How to Stop Resentment from Taking Over

Resentment doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. It’s a signal - a sign that something in the emotional connection needs attention and care. Here’s how to begin repairing and preventing it.

1. Start by Naming What’s There

You can’t heal what you can’t name. Begin by acknowledging the resentment - not to blame, but to understand. Try saying something like,

“I’ve realised I’ve been holding onto frustration about how things have been between us. I want to talk about it because I don’t want this to keep growing.”

This kind of honesty can feel vulnerable, but it’s often the first step toward reconnecting.

2. Replace Blame with Ownership

Blame pushes your partner away; ownership invites them in. Instead of “You never listen,” try “I’ve been feeling unheard lately, and I want to find a way for us to communicate better.”

Taking responsibility for your feelings - not your partner’s behaviour - opens the door to empathy instead of defensiveness.

3. Revisit Your Expectations

Sometimes resentment grows from unspoken or unrealistic expectations - about roles, affection, or how love should look. Ask yourself:

• Have I communicated my needs clearly?

• Are my expectations flexible, or are they rooted in old disappointments?

• What am I hoping my partner will understand without me saying it?

Clarifying expectations can shift your mindset from frustration to understanding.

4. Rebuild Emotional Connection

Resentment thrives in disconnection. Rebuilding closeness starts with small, intentional moments of kindness and appreciation. Say thank you. Reach out with a gentle touch. Show curiosity about your partner’s world.

In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), these moments are called “repair attempts” - small bridges back to safety and trust. Over time, they remind you both that love is still there beneath the layers of frustration.

5. Work on Yourself, Too

Resentment often reflects internal exhaustion, unhealed hurts, or patterns learned long ago. Taking care of yourself emotionally - through self-reflection, mindfulness, or individual counselling - can help you bring more clarity and compassion into the relationship.

When you understand your triggers and boundaries, you can express needs from a grounded place rather than through anger or withdrawal.

When to Seek Help

If resentment has become a constant undercurrent, couples counselling can help you reset the emotional tone of your relationship. In therapy, you’ll learn to express needs safely, repair past hurts, and rebuild trust step by step.

At Anchoring Your Life Counselling, I support couples through evidence-based approaches like the Gottman Method Couples Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) to help them move from resentment to reconnection - and rediscover the sense of partnership they’ve been missing.

A Final Thought

Resentment doesn’t begin with shouting - it begins with silence. It’s what happens when we stop turning toward each other and start turning away.

But it can be undone. With empathy, honest communication, and willingness to understand each other again, resentment can give way to renewal. Your relationship can move from quiet frustration back to mutual care, understanding, and connection - one small repair at a time.

If you’re struggling with resentment in your relationship, Anchoring Your Life Counselling offers couples counselling across Australia, including online sessions to help you rebuild trust, connection, and emotional safety.

Debra Bragança is a registered Counsellor with The Australian Counselling Association. She supports women, couples and families to help them work through life's many challenges.

She is trained in a number of evidence-based therapies including CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), CPT (Cognitive Processing Therapy), ACT (Acceptance & Commitment Therapy), Emotionally Focused Therapy for Individuals, Couples & Families (EFT), Gottman Couples Method Therapy, including Affair & Trauma Recovery and is certified in Clinical Trauma.