Why It’s Not the Time to Set the Record Straight: Listening First in Relationships

When someone we love tells us they’re hurt by something we did or said, our first instinct is often to explain, defend, or correct. “That’s not what I meant!” “You misunderstood!” or “But here’s what really happened…” It comes from a good place: wanting to clear things up, protect ourselves, or shift back to connection. But ironically, trying to “set the record straight” often leads to more disconnection, not less. When someone shares their pain, especially in close relationships, they’re asking to be seen, not debated.

In both romantic partnerships and families, this well-intentioned impulse can quietly erode trust, safety, and emotional closeness. Drawing from the research and practice of the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), this blog explores why listening first matters, how defensiveness can be harmful, and what to do instead.

The Emotional Bid: A Call for Connection

According to Dr. John Gottman, a foundational piece of emotional connection is what he calls "bids for connection." When your partner or family member brings up an emotional hurt, it's not just a complaint - it's a request: Do you see me? Can you be with me in this pain?

Responding with a correction instead of compassion sends the message: "You're wrong," rather than, "You matter."

For example:

• Partner: "I felt uncared for when you didn’t call after your meeting."

• Defensive Response: "I was busy, you know how busy I am! It wasn’t personal."

• Emotionally Attuned Response: "I can see why that felt like I didn’t care. I’m sorry I didn’t check in. I know it matters to you."

In the second example, the partner chooses to first acknowledge the emotional reality of their loved one before moving into their own perspective. This simple shift fosters trust and warmth.

The Impact of Defensiveness

Gottman's research found that defensiveness is one of the "Four Horsemen" of relationship breakdown, along with criticism, contempt, and stonewalling. When we defend ourselves right away, the other person often feels:

• Invalidated

• Blamed

• Misunderstood

• Alone in their emotional experience

  
  

Over time, this leads to a breakdown in communication. In EFT, this dynamic is seen as a threat to emotional safety. If one partner can’t share their vulnerable feelings without being shut down or argued with, they will eventually stop trying. Resentment and emotional distance begin to build.

In family relationships, this dynamic plays out similarly. A teenager shares feeling unsupported, and a parent responds, "I've done everything for you! How can you say that?" The teen walks away feeling unheard, and the parent feels unappreciated - both miss the chance for connection.

Why It’s So Hard to Just Listen

Listening without correcting can feel like agreeing to something unfair or taking all the blame. But this is a misunderstanding of emotional attunement. In EFT, therapists help clients understand that validation is not the same as agreement.

You can acknowledge your partner/child’s pain without forfeiting your truth.

For example:

• Child: "You care more about my sister than me."

• Instinct: "That's not true! I treat you both equally."

• Attuned Response: "It must really hurt to feel that way. Can you tell me more about what that’s been like for you?"

  
  

By slowing down the impulse to correct, you're opening the door to a deeper understanding. Most emotional hurts come from unmet needs: for closeness, respect, safety, love. Validating the feeling helps move the conversation from blame to connection.

Tips for Responding When Someone Brings Up a Pain Point

1. Pause and Breathe

   Take a moment to notice your own reaction. Defensiveness is natural, but you don’t have to act on it.

2. Reflect Back What You Hear

   Use simple language to show you’re listening. Try: “It sounds like you felt really hurt when that happened.”

3. Validate the Emotion

   You don’t have to agree with every detail so say, “That must have been really painful.”

4. Save Your Perspective for Later

   Once the other person feels heard, they’re more likely to be open to your side. Trust the process.

5. Keep the Focus on Connection

   Ask, “What do you need from me right now?” or “How can I support you?”

   
   

When It's a Pattern: Breaking the Cycle in Couples and Family Counselling

In couples where one or both partners frequently respond with defensiveness, a cycle develops:

• One person expresses hurt

• The other person defends or justifies

• The hurt is amplified

• The original need goes unmet

• Both partners feel disconnected

  
  

In EFT, this is known as the "negative cycle" - a loop that keeps couples stuck. Therapists help couples slow the process down, identify the emotions and fears underneath, and create new ways of responding.

In families, especially with adolescents, defensiveness can push kids away at a time when they most need emotional safety. Teens may stop talking about what’s really going on and withdraw.

What Can Help?

• Emotion Coaching: Learn to name and sit with emotions rather than fix or dismiss them. This builds emotional intelligence and intimacy.

• Therapeutic Support: Marriage counselling Redlands or family counselling (especially EFT and Gottman-based) can help repair these patterns in a safe, structured way.

• Practicing Repair: If you've responded defensively, it's never too late to repair. A simple "I'm sorry I didn’t listen well earlier, can we try again?" goes a long way.

  
  

Closing Thoughts

It’s hard to hold space for someone else’s pain, especially when it feels like an attack. But true connection isn’t built by being right, it’s built by being present. When you slow down, listen and validate before you explain, you give your partner or loved one the gift of being emotionally seen. That’s where healing begins.

Instead of setting the record straight, try setting the relationship straight. That’s what really lasts.

Debra Bragança is a registered Counsellor with The Australian Counselling Association. She supports adults, couples and families to help them work through life's many challenges.

She is trained in a number of evidence-based therapies including CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), CPT (Cognitive Processing Therapy), ACT (Acceptance & Commitment Therapy), Emotionally Focused Therapy for Individuals, Couples & Families (EFT), Gottman Couples Method Therapy, including Affair & Trauma Recovery And is Certified in Clinical Trauma.