Interrupting your partner during conversations—whether consciously or not—is a common challenge in many relationships. It can be a frustrating experience for both individuals, often leading to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and unresolved issues. But why do partners interrupt each other in the first place? What does it signify about the dynamics in the relationship? More importantly, how can couples break free from this damaging cycle and cultivate more meaningful conversations?
In this blog, we’ll dive into the underlying reasons behind conversational interruptions, how this behaviour impacts trust and communication, and practical ways to create a space where both partners feel heard and valued. We’ll explore how fostering mutual respect and effective communication skills can be transformative in relationships.
Why Do Partners Interrupt Each Other?
Interruptions often stem from one central fear: the fear of not being heard. This concern can manifest in several ways. Some individuals interrupt because they fear their thoughts won’t be validated or acknowledged if they wait too long. Others may interrupt to steer the conversation toward what feels more important to them, which can create tension. Regardless of the reason, interrupting often signals a breakdown in trust and communication.
John Gottman, known for his extensive research on relationships, points out that how couples communicate—especially in conflict—often predicts the long-term health of their relationship. Interruptions, when done repeatedly, can signify deeper underlying issues such as insecurity, emotional reactivity, or a lack of emotional safety in the relationship.
Interrupting your partner can also reinforce feelings of inadequacy, as if their thoughts and feelings aren’t important enough to be fully expressed. Over time, this can damage the emotional foundation of the relationship, leading to bitterness, frustration, and a gradual erosion of trust.
The Impact of Interrupting on Relationship Trust
When a partner feels that they’re constantly interrupted, it sends the unspoken message that what they’re saying is not as important as the interrupter’s viewpoint. This type of communication breakdown can hurt the relationship in several ways:
Erosion of Trust: Trust is built on the foundation of mutual respect and understanding. When one partner consistently interrupts, it can feel like they’re dismissing the other person’s thoughts and feelings. Over time, this pattern weakens the sense of safety and security within the relationship.
Increased Conflict: Interrupting often escalates disagreements, making it more difficult for the couple to resolve conflicts. When one partner feels unheard, they may become defensive or shut down, leading to an unproductive conversation cycle where nothing gets resolved.
Emotional Disconnect: Communication is essential for fostering emotional intimacy. When conversations are regularly interrupted, the emotional connection between partners can begin to fade, as each person feels less understood and more isolated within the relationship.
Damaged Self-Esteem: For the partner who is constantly interrupted, this behaviour can lead to feelings of inadequacy, frustration, and low self-esteem. Over time, they may stop trying to express their thoughts and feelings altogether, fearing that they won’t be respected or heard.
The Gottman Institute's Perspective on Interruptions
John Gottman’s work emphasises that successful relationships are not about avoiding conflict altogether but about how couples handle conflict when it arises. In his research, Gottman identifies four behaviours he calls the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” which can predict relationship failure. One of these is contempt, a behaviour often triggered by patterns of dismissal, like interrupting.
According to Gottman, contempt is one of the most toxic behaviours in a relationship because it communicates a sense of superiority and disregard for the partner’s perspective. When interruptions happen regularly, especially in heated discussions, they can foster an environment where one or both partners feel unimportant, fostering contempt.
However, Gottman also offers hope through what he calls the antidotes to these harmful behaviours. In the case of interruptions, the antidote is learning to listen non-defensively and with empathy. When both partners commit to truly hearing each other, even during disagreements, it can prevent conversations from becoming battles for control and lead to deeper understanding and connection.
Breaking the Cycle: Tips for Healthier Conversations
The good news is that couples can break the cycle of interruptions and re-establish healthy communication patterns with some intention and effort. Here are some research-backed tips that can help create a more respectful and open environment for communication:
1. Set Aside Dedicated Time for Discussions
One of the most common reasons partners interrupt each other is the feeling that there isn’t enough time or space to fully express themselves. By setting aside dedicated time for discussions, you can create a safe, pressure-free environment where both partners know they will have the opportunity to speak and be heard.
During these discussions, make it clear that each partner will have uninterrupted time to share their thoughts and feelings. This not only reduces the urge to interrupt but also fosters a sense of respect and attention.
2. Be Willing and Open to Listen
Active listening is a crucial skill in any healthy relationship. Instead of thinking about what you’re going to say next, focus on truly understanding your partner’s point of view. Gottman’s research shows that couples who listen without defensiveness are more likely to resolve conflicts and feel emotionally connected.
A helpful tip is to practice reflective listening. After your partner shares something, reflect back what you’ve heard before responding. This helps ensure that you’ve accurately understood their message and gives your partner a chance to clarify any misunderstandings.
3. Regulate Your Emotions, Don’t Be Reactive
In emotionally charged conversations, it’s easy to get defensive or reactive, especially when discussing sensitive topics. However, reacting impulsively—such as interrupting—can escalate the situation.
According to Gottman’s research, one of the key predictors of successful relationships is the ability to self-soothe during conflicts. Taking a moment to regulate your emotions before responding can prevent interruptions and help maintain a calm, productive conversation. If you notice that you’re getting upset, consider taking a brief pause to collect your thoughts before continuing the conversation.
4. Take Responsibility for Your Contribution to the Issue
Interrupting is often a symptom of a larger issue within the relationship, such as insecurity, anxiety, or unmet needs. To break the cycle, both partners must take responsibility for their role in the communication breakdown.
If you tend to interrupt because you fear not being heard, it may be helpful to express this concern openly to your partner. By addressing the underlying fear, you can work together to create a more supportive and understanding communication dynamic.
Similarly, if your partner tends to interrupt, avoid jumping to conclusions or becoming defensive. Instead, calmly express how the interruptions make you feel and invite them to reflect on their behaviour. By taking ownership of your own emotional responses, you can create a more empathetic and collaborative approach to resolving the issue.
5. Practice Patience and Take Turns Speaking
It can be tempting to jump in with your own thoughts, especially when the conversation feels urgent or emotionally charged. However, practicing patience and taking turns speaking is essential for maintaining respect and balance in the conversation.
One strategy is to establish a “talking stick” or similar method where only one person speaks at a time. This simple technique can help prevent interruptions and ensure that both partners have an equal opportunity to share their perspectives.
6. Use “I” Statements Instead of Blaming Language
Interruptions often happen when one partner feels the need to defend themselves from blame or criticism. By using “I” statements instead of accusatory language, you can reduce the likelihood of triggering defensiveness or interruptions.
For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try saying, “I feel unheard when I’m interrupted during our conversations.” This shift in language encourages a more empathetic response and opens the door for productive dialogue rather than conflict.
7. Build Emotional Safety in the Relationship
At the core of many communication issues, including interruptions, is a lack of emotional safety. Gottman’s research highlights the importance of creating a relationship environment where both partners feel safe expressing their thoughts and emotions without fear of criticism, rejection, or dismissal.
Building emotional safety involves consistently showing respect, validating each other’s experiences, and prioritising kindness, even in moments of conflict. When partners feel emotionally safe, they are less likely to interrupt because they trust that their feelings will be heard and valued.
Rebuilding Communication and Trust
While interrupting may seem like a minor issue, it can have a significant impact on the health of a relationship over time. The good news is that with awareness, effort, and the right strategies, couples can break the cycle of interruptions and foster a deeper level of understanding and trust in their conversations.
By setting aside time for meaningful discussions, practicing active listening, regulating emotions, and taking responsibility for communication breakdowns, partners can transform their interactions and strengthen their connection. Using these insights that Debra uses through her training from Gottman Method Couples Therapy and if needed, additional support with her through Marriage Counselling Redlands, couples can learn to communicate in ways that builds trust, respect, and emotional safety—ultimately leading to a happier, more fulfilling relationship.
In the end, the key is not to avoid conflict but to navigate it in a way that allows both partners to feel heard, respected, and valued. When each partner feels truly listened to, interruptions fade away, making room for healthier, more open, and more loving communication.
Debra Bragança is a registered Counsellor with The Australian Counselling Association and works with both adults and couples impacted from trauma, anxiety, chronic illness, depression and relationship issues, including affairs and betrayals.
She is trained in a number of evidence-based therapies including CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy), CPT (Cognitive Processing Therapy), ACT (Acceptance & Commitment Therapy) and Gottman Couples Therapy, including Affair & Betrayal Recovery.
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