“He left the dishes in the sink again.”
“She never remembers to pick up the dry cleaning.”
“That’s the second time this week he’s been late for dinner.”
If you find yourself regularly keeping mental tabs on your partner’s mistakes, it might feel like you’re avoiding a confrontation by staying quiet. However, tracking your partner's shortcomings can gradually foster a critical mindset. It’s like building a case against them, which can spill over into hurtful comments like, “You never help around the house” or “You’re so unreliable. Do I have to do everything myself?” Remarks like these often lead to defensiveness rather than meaningful change.
This tendency to tally your partner’s flaws is common in relationships but can be harmful. According to Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, criticism is one of the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" that can predict the end of a relationship. Criticism isn't just about complaining or voicing concerns—it's when a complaint turns into an attack on your partner’s character.
Criticism and Contempt: The Relationship Destroyers
It’s important to go a step further and understand how criticism can escalate into something even more damaging: contempt. While criticism attacks your partner’s behavior, contempt devalues them as a person. Contempt is expressed through sarcasm, name-calling, eye-rolling, or mocking your partner. For example, instead of saying, “You never help around the house,” contempt might sound like, “Wow, you actually managed to do the dishes for once. What a miracle.”
Contempt conveys a sense of superiority and disgust, making your partner feel small and inadequate. Gottman’s research shows that contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce, as it erodes the foundation of respect and affection in a relationship. Once contempt enters the dynamic, it becomes much harder to resolve conflicts, because it attacks your partner’s worth rather than focusing on the issue at hand.
When you’re focused on your partner’s flaws, it’s easy for simple frustrations to escalate into contemptuous behavior. Instead of merely observing that your partner forgot to take out the trash, you may internalize the mistake as a reflection of who they are: “They’re so careless” or “They don’t care about me.” Over time, this criticism turns into deeper feelings of contempt, which can poison the relationship.
Reframe Criticism and Avoid Contempt: Turn Complaints into Requests
When you notice something your partner does (or doesn’t do) that bothers you, it’s important to recognize how you’re framing it in your mind. Are you jumping straight to judgment? If so, pause and try reframing your thought from a critical or contemptuous statement to a constructive request. Instead of stewing over the fact that they didn’t take out the trash again, try saying, “It would be great if you could help me by taking the trash out more often.”
This simple reframe shifts the conversation from blame to collaboration. Instead of making your partner feel like they’ve done something wrong, you’re expressing a need they can meet, which increases the chances of a positive outcome. According to Gottman’s principles, making a “gentle start-up”—beginning the conversation softly and respectfully—sets the tone for productive dialogue rather than conflict.
Why Do We Keep Track of Our Partner’s Flaws?
Keeping track of your partner's mistakes often comes from a place of unmet needs or unspoken expectations. Perhaps you feel like they aren’t pulling their weight at home, or you’re frustrated that they aren’t as thoughtful as you’d like. Whatever the reason, when these feelings go unexpressed, they tend to build up and spill over in the form of criticism and, eventually, contempt.
In many cases, this tracking of mistakes isn’t malicious—it’s a way of trying to make sense of your own feelings. But without communication, your partner is left in the dark, unaware of how their actions affect you. Over time, this can lead to resentment and the harmful dynamic of contempt.
Turning Negative Thoughts Into Positive Requests
It’s easy to slip into the habit of complaining, especially when you feel like your needs aren’t being met. However, transforming complaints into positive, actionable requests can be a game changer for your relationship. Instead of saying, “You never ask how my day was,” try, “I’d love it if you could check in with me about my day when you get home.”
By asking for what you need directly, you’re giving your partner the opportunity to meet your needs without feeling attacked or inadequate. You’re also fostering a spirit of teamwork rather than opposition, which is essential for a healthy, thriving relationship.
The Power of Appreciation to Combat Contempt
Another key to avoiding criticism and contempt is actively appreciating your partner. When you're focused on their flaws, it’s easy to lose sight of the things they do well. Taking a moment each day to recognize and express gratitude for something they’ve done can help shift your mindset away from criticism and contempt. This could be as simple as, “Thanks for making dinner tonight,” or “I really appreciate you picking up the groceries.”
Gottman emphasizes the importance of a positive-to-negative interaction ratio in relationships. Happy couples tend to have a ratio of five positive interactions for every negative one. By regularly acknowledging your partner’s efforts and expressing appreciation, you can build a buffer of goodwill that helps you navigate conflicts more easily when they do arise.
How to Stop Keeping Score and Avoid Contempt in Your Relationship
Breaking the habit of keeping score and avoiding contempt in your relationship requires both self-awareness and communication. Here are some steps to help you get started:
Recognize the pattern: The first step to breaking the cycle of criticism and contempt is recognizing when you’re keeping track of your partner’s flaws. Pay attention to your internal dialogue—are you focused on their mistakes rather than their positive qualities?
Shift your mindset: Instead of seeing your partner’s mistakes as personal failings, try to view them with empathy. Remember that no one is perfect, and we all have moments where we fall short. Ask yourself if you’d want your partner to keep track of your mistakes in the same way.
Communicate your needs: When something bothers you, express it as a request rather than a complaint. Use “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory, such as, “I feel overwhelmed when I handle all the household chores. Can we come up with a plan to share them more evenly?”
Practice appreciation: Make it a habit to regularly acknowledge and appreciate the things your partner does well. This will help balance any frustrations you may have and remind both of you why you value each other.
Work together as a team: Approach your relationship as a partnership, where both of you are working toward the same goals. When you frame conflicts as opportunities to collaborate rather than compete, you create a sense of unity rather than division.
A Healthier Way Forward
No relationship is without its challenges, but the way you handle those challenges can make all the difference. By shifting from a mindset of criticism and contempt to one of appreciation and positive communication, you can foster a healthier, more fulfilling connection with your partner. Professional marriage counselling Redlands can provide support if your relationship needs intervention and if it’s difficult to get to appointments, I provide couples counselling online Australia wide too!
The next time you catch yourself keeping score, pause and ask yourself: Is this helping my relationship or hurting it? What can I do to express my needs in a way that brings us closer rather than driving a wedge between us?
By making these small but significant changes, you can transform how you communicate with your partner, creating a relationship built on mutual respect, empathy, and love. As Gottman’s research shows, couples who learn to replace criticism and contempt with positive communication are far more likely to stay together and enjoy a deeply satisfying relationship.
So, the next time you're tempted to tally up your partner’s flaws or make a sarcastic remark, try flipping the script. Focus on what they’re doing right, and communicate your needs with kindness. You’ll likely find that your relationship grows stronger and more resilient with each positive interaction.
Debra Bragança is a registered Counsellor with The Australian Counselling Association and works with both adults and couples impacted from trauma, anxiety, chronic illness, depression and relationship issues, including affairs and betrayals.
She is trained in a number of evidence-based therapies including CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy), CPT (Cognitive Processing Therapy), ACT (Acceptance & Commitment Therapy) and Gottman Couples Therapy, including Affair & Betrayal Recovery.