When Life Doesn’t Look the Way You Thought It Would

Sometimes we carry around a picture in our minds of how life should look - like a polished Instagram reel that plays on a loop. A perfect relationship. A fulfilling, upward-moving career. A certain timeline for love, family, success, or happiness.

This is Life

But what happens when reality doesn’t match that picture? When the relationship is strained, the job feels unfulfilling, or milestones you expected to hit have come and gone with no sign of arrival?

For many people, this disconnect brings feelings of failure, frustration, or even shame - like they’ve somehow missed the mark.

If you’re reading this and nodding quietly to yourself, you’re not alone. As a counsellor, I hear versions of this story all the time. And as a human being, I’ve lived it too.

The Problem with the “Perfect Picture”

The mental image we carry of what life should be often begins early - shaped by family expectations, culture, media, and even well-meaning people in our lives. You may have internalised a script that says:

• “By 30, I should be married with kids.”

•  “If my partner and I argue, something must be wrong with us.”

•  “A successful person doesn’t change careers.”

•  “Others seem to have it all together - what’s wrong with me?”

These scripts are powerful. They shape the way we judge ourselves and our relationships. And when reality doesn’t fit the idealised version, many people feel stuck, behind, or like they've somehow failed at life.

Let’s pause here and name something important:

The problem isn’t you.

It’s the unrealistic expectations that make it hard to appreciate the life you’re actually living.

How This Shows Up in Relationships

Let’s take relationships as an example. The perfect picture might be one of constant emotional closeness, regular date nights, shared goals, a tidy home, and never going to bed angry. But in reality?

• One of you might be more emotionally expressive than the other.

•  You might be in a tough parenting season with zero energy for connection.

•  Intimacy may ebb and flow.

•  Conflict may arise when one partner is growing and the other feels left behind.

These challenges are normal, but when we hold them up to a fantasy version of love, it’s easy to assume something is wrong. That belief - "We’re not like other couples, we must be broken" - can quietly erode connection and trust.

I've worked with couples who were ready to give up, not because they lacked love, but because they thought love should look easier or more polished. Once we started unpacking those beliefs, they began to relate to each other differently - with more understanding and less shame.

The Pressure of Timelines

Idealised expectations also show up in the timelines we place on ourselves.

• “I thought I’d have everything figured out by now.”

• “This wasn’t how my life was supposed to go.”

• “I should be happier.”

These thoughts are common in individual therapy - especially for people in transition. You might be navigating a breakup, changing careers, facing an empty nest, or living through a health crisis. And alongside the practical challenges, there's often a layer of grief for the life you thought you’d have.

Let me gently suggest:

Grieving that imagined life is part of healing.

But holding on to it too tightly can keep you stuck.

One client (shared with permission) spent years believing she had failed because she was single at 40. Every date felt like a test she had to pass to “get her life back on track.” Through therapy, she slowly let go of the idea that partnership was the only path to meaning. She began reconnecting with old friends, travelling solo, and volunteering - building a life that felt rich and full as it was, not as she once pictured it.

The Emotional Cost of Comparison

Holding onto a perfect picture often goes hand in hand with comparison. It’s hard not to compare when we’re surrounded by highlight reels on social media - smiling families, flawless holiday photos, promotions, and anniversaries.

But comparison tends to magnify what’s missing in our own lives and downplay what’s good.

You might think:

• “They’ve got such a happy marriage - why do we argue so much?”

•  “Everyone else seems to know their purpose.”

•  “Maybe I’m just not doing life right.”

When these thoughts take root, they can lead to:

• Anxiety

• Low self-worth

• Disconnection from loved ones

• A lack of presence or joy in the moment

What’s especially hard is that people often believe their thoughts are unique. In truth, they are incredibly common - and incredibly human.

So What Can We Do Instead? Letting go of an idealised version of life doesn’t mean giving up. It means clearing space to fully live the life that’s actually unfolding. One that’s messier, more unpredictable - but often more meaningful than the one in our heads.

Here are a few ways to start shifting that inner picture.

1. Name the Picture You’re Holding Onto

Take time to reflect or journal:

What do I believe my life should look like?

Where did these beliefs come from?

How do they make me feel when I compare them to my reality?

Bringing these thoughts to light is the first step in loosening their grip.

2. Challenge the Narrative

Ask yourself:

Is this belief helping or hurting me?

Would I say this to someone I care about?

Is there another way to define success, love, or happiness?

You might discover that what you really value isn’t status or perfection, but connection, growth, or freedom.

3. Practice Self-Compassion

It's easy to be harsh with ourselves when we feel we’re “behind.”

Instead, try:

“I’m doing the best I can with what I know now.”

Self-compassion softens the edges and helps you move forward with care instead of criticism.

4. Reconnect with What’s Working

It’s powerful to notice what is going well, even if it’s small:

• A meaningful conversation with a partner

• The courage to apply for a new job

• A quiet cup of tea on a hard day

• These moments are life happening - not in the big milestones, but in the little steps that add up.

  
  

5. Make Room for Joy in the Present

You don’t need the perfect conditions to feel joy. In fact, joy often surprises us when we let go of needing life to look a certain way.

For me, that means doing something that gently forces me to step back from the busyness of life and reconnect with what matters. This past weekend, I stepped away from my schedule, away from screens, and into nature. The change of pace helped me breathe more deeply, think more clearly, and just be. Sometimes the path forward becomes clearer when we pause and let ourselves be present.

The Beauty of Letting Go

There’s something liberating about surrendering the “shoulds” and embracing what is. When you stop chasing a version of life that was never guaranteed, you can begin to build one that feels true to you.

Maybe your relationship doesn’t look like the ones in the movies, but it’s built on honest conversation and mutual respect. Maybe your career path took a turn, but it taught you resilience.

Maybe you’re still figuring things out and maybe that’s okay.

Life rarely unfolds exactly as planned and that’s not a bad thing. In fact, it’s often where the most meaningful moments happen: in the detours, the recalibrations, the unexpected joys.

Final Thoughts

Whether you’re navigating a rocky patch in your relationship, reevaluating your career, or simply feeling like you’ve “missed the mark,” know this:

You haven’t failed. You’re just living a life that’s real and real is better than perfect.

Therapy can be a powerful space to unpack the expectations you’ve been carrying, explore what truly matters to you, and create new ways of relating to yourself and others. If this resonates with you, you don’t have to figure it all out alone.

Let’s work together to help you reconnect with what matters, let go of what’s weighing you down, and step into a life that feels more aligned - no filters required.

Debra Bragança is a registered Counsellor with The Australian Counselling Association. She supports adults, couples and families to help them work through life's many challenges.

She is trained in a number of evidence-based therapies including CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), CPT (Cognitive Processing Therapy), ACT (Acceptance & Commitment Therapy), Emotionally Focused Therapy for Individuals, Couples & Families (EFT), Gottman Couples Method Therapy, including Affair & Trauma Recovery And is Certified in Clinical Trauma.