"Trust and Commitment: The Real Glue of Lasting Love"

When we talk about lasting love - whether it’s marriage or a long-term partnership - we’re really talking about two key things: trust and commitment. These are the bedrock of any meaningful relationship. Without them, love feels shaky, fragile, and at times, even unsafe. But when they’re strong? They create a secure emotional home that allows both people to grow, feel safe, and weather life’s inevitable ups and downs.

I’ve sat with many couples over the years who come in saying, “We love each other, but something feels off.” More often than not, it boils down to one of these two pillars - trust or commitment - being cracked or worn down. The good news? Just like a house can be repaired, these foundations can be restored. But first, we have to understand what we’re working with.

What Is Trust, Really?

Trust isn’t just about not cheating or keeping secrets. It’s about emotional safety. It’s about knowing that your partner has your back, that they’re in your corner and that they’ll be there when it matters most.

Dr. John Gottman, one of the most respected researchers in the field of relationships, defines trust as “having confidence that your partner will do what’s best for the relationship, even when you’re not looking.” That’s huge. It’s not just about doing the “right” thing - it’s about doing the kind thing, the thoughtful thing, the connected thing.

In emotionally focused therapy (EFT), trust is seen as part of our deep need for attachment. We all want to know we matter to our partner, that we’re seen and that we’re emotionally accessible and responsive to each other.

And Commitment?

Commitment is the choice to keep choosing each other - especially when things get hard. It’s not just staying because it’s convenient or familiar. It’s about actively investing in the relationship. Gottman talks about commitment as turning toward your partner again and again, even in the face of conflict or temptation.

Commitment says, “We’re in this together. I’m not keeping one foot out the door. I’m choosing us.” When commitment is solid, it creates a deep sense of security. And that security allows couples to be vulnerable, to dream together, to take risks together.

How Trust and Commitment Grow

These things aren’t built overnight. They develop slowly, through thousands of small moments. It’s in the day-to-day: the check-in texts, the way your partner brings you coffee just the way you like it, the way they remember your big meeting, your special moment or hold you after a long day.

Gottman calls these “sliding door moments” - those tiny interactions where one partner has a need and the other either responds or doesn’t. Every time you turn toward your partner in those moments, you make a deposit in the emotional bank account of your relationship.

Emotionally focused therapy adds another layer: these small moments are also opportunities to strengthen your emotional bond. When you’re able to say, “I’m feeling a little anxious right now, can you just sit with me for a bit?” and your partner responds with “Of course, I’ve got you,” - that’s how emotional intimacy deepens. You’re showing up for each other not just physically, but emotionally.

What Strengthens Trust and Commitment

Emotional Availability
Being emotionally present - listening without fixing, being there when your partner reaches for you goes a long way. We trust those who are there for us when we’re vulnerable.
Reliability and Consistency
Trust grows when actions match words. If you say you’ll be home at 6 and you are, or you admit when you can’t be - that consistency builds safety over time.
Repairing After Conflict
Conflict is inevitable. What matters is how we repair. Can we say, “I’m sorry I snapped earlier. I was overwhelmed, but that’s not your fault”? These repair attempts are trust-builders.
Shared Meaning and Rituals
Creating your own traditions - whether it’s Sunday pancakes or a yearly camping trip - strengthens commitment. You’re not just building memories; you’re building a life.
Turning Toward Each Other
Gottman’s research shows that couples who consistently turn toward each other in small moments of connection - like laughing at a meme, sharing a thought, or touching a shoulder - are the ones who stay connected long-term.

What Challenges Trust and Commitment

Life throws a lot at us. Even strong relationships can hit rough patches. Here are a few common challenges:

Emotional Disconnection: When one or both partners start to feel emotionally alone in the relationship, it becomes harder to trust. This often happens quietly, over time, not from one big fight but from growing apart.
Unresolved Conflict: When disagreements are swept under the rug or explode without resolution, resentment can build, eating away at commitment.
Infidelity or Betrayals: Whether it’s a physical affair, emotional cheating, or even hidden finances, betrayals can shatter the sense of safety and reliability.
Neglect: Over time, busy schedules, parenting, or stress can cause us to deprioritise the relationship. When that happens, both trust and commitment can fade without us even realising it.
Avoidance of Vulnerability: When we stop sharing our inner world - our fears, dreams, worries - it creates distance. Trust relies on openness and commitment needs emotional intimacy to thrive.

What Can Break It Down

Sometimes it’s not just challenges - it’s breakdowns. When partners stop turning toward each other and start turning away or against each other, trust and commitment begin to erode.

According to Gottman, the “Four Horsemen” are especially damaging:

Criticism – Attacking your partner’s character instead of the issue.
Contempt – Eye-rolling, sarcasm, or belittling. The single biggest predictor of divorce.
Defensiveness – Not taking responsibility, which shuts down dialogue.
Stonewalling – Shutting down or withdrawing during conflict.

These behaviours poison emotional safety. When they show up frequently without repair, they signal that trust and commitment are in trouble.

Can Trust Be Rebuilt?

Absolutely. It’s not easy. But it’s possible - and many couples come through stronger than before.

Rebuilding trust means both partners have to be all in. The partner who broke the trust must be willing to hear the hurt, take full responsibility and be transparent moving forward. The partner who was hurt has to be open to healing, even if they’re scared.

From an EFT perspective, it’s about rebuilding the emotional bond. That starts with safety and honesty.

Here are a few things that can help:

Slow, Honest Conversations
Begin with “This is how it felt when…” instead of “You always…” These conversations require gentleness and patience.
Consistency Over Time
Grand gestures won’t fix broken trust - but showing up every day with honesty and care will.
Re-Establish Emotional Responsiveness
This is the heart of EFT: learning to tune in to each other’s emotions, needs and fears, and respond with care. That’s where true healing happens.
Therapy as a Safe Space
Couples therapy can be the container that holds the pain and helps both people find their way back to each other. It’s especially helpful when both people want to reconnect but don’t know how. Marriage counselling in Brisbane southside or online couples counselling in Australia is available to all with Anchoring Your Life Counselling.

What Commitment Looks Like After Hurt

After betrayal or disconnection, recommitting to the relationship is like building a bridge back to one another. It’s not about promising perfection - it’s about promising presence. Saying, “I’m here. I’m staying. I want to work through this with you.”

Real commitment after hurt also means setting boundaries, rebuilding rituals of connection and sometimes rewriting what the relationship will look like going forward.

And here’s the thing: many couples discover that trust and commitment aren’t static. They’re alive. They grow, bend, sometimes break - but they can also heal and deepen in ways we never imagined.

A Final Thought

No relationship is perfect. And no one expects it to be. What matters is whether the foundation of trust and commitment is strong enough - or can be made strong enough - to hold you both through life’s inevitable storms.

Whether you’re just starting out or you’ve been together for decades, it’s worth asking:

Do we turn toward each other in small moments?
Do we feel emotionally safe with one another?
Are we choosing each other - even when it’s hard?

If the answer is no, that’s not a failure. It’s an invitation. An invitation to pause, reflect, and begin again.

Because love isn’t about never falling - it’s about learning how to stand back up, together.

And if you need help with that, you’re not alone. That’s what therapy is for. You don’t have to fix everything by yourselves. Sometimes the bravest thing a couple can do is reach out and say, “We want to rebuild.”

Debra Bragança is a registered Counsellor with The Australian Counselling Association. She supports adults, couples and families to help them work through life's many challenges.

She is trained in a number of evidence-based therapies including CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), CPT (Cognitive Processing Therapy), ACT (Acceptance & Commitment Therapy), Emotionally Focused Therapy for Individuals, Couples & Families (EFT), Gottman Couples Method Therapy, including Affair & Trauma Recovery And is Certified in Clinical Trauma.