When You’re Chasing Happiness Because You Don’t Feel Happy
There’s a particular kind of struggle that can be difficult to explain. You may look at your life and know that, on the surface, you have a lot to be grateful for. You might have a good job, a comfortable home, a family, friends, a relationship, financial security or many of the things you once thought would make you happy. Yet, despite having what you need, you don't actually feel happy.
You may feel flat, empty, restless or disconnected from life. Things you used to enjoy don't seem to hold the same appeal, your motivation has disappeared and you find yourself wondering why everything feels harder than it should. You might even feel guilty for feeling this way because, when you look at your life from the outside, you can't see an obvious reason for it.
Sometimes, when we don't like how we're feeling, we naturally start looking for something that will change it. It might be shopping, gaming, gambling, scrolling, drinking, food, sex, work, exercise or constantly making plans and keeping yourself busy. There is nothing inherently wrong with enjoying these things, but it is worth becoming curious about what they are doing for you. Are you choosing them because they genuinely bring you enjoyment, or because you are hoping they will help you feel something different?
When You’re Looking for That Happy Feeling
There is an understandable appeal in doing something that gives you a lift when you have been feeling flat or unhappy. Buying something you've wanted can give you a sense of excitement, gaming can provide stimulation and achievement, and gambling can create anticipation and the possibility of a win. Even planning a holiday, going out, taking on a new project or constantly having something to look forward to can temporarily shift how you feel.
The difficulty is that the feeling you are looking for may not last, particularly when the activity is being used to move away from something that is happening underneath. You may find yourself needing more of the activity, doing it more often, spending more money or more time on it, or constantly searching for the next thing that will give you that same feeling.
This doesn't necessarily mean that you are weak, irresponsible or lacking self-control. Often, these behaviours make sense when we understand what they are providing in the moment. They may give you stimulation when life feels flat, distraction when your thoughts won't stop, a sense of achievement when you are feeling stuck, or temporary relief from emotions that you don't really know what to do with. The relief is real, but it may not address what is creating the sadness, emptiness or lack of enjoyment underneath.
Why Do I Feel Empty When I Have Everything I Need?
This is something many people find particularly difficult to understand. You may think, “I have no reason to feel like this. My life is good, so why am I unhappy?” The problem is that having a life that looks good on the outside doesn't automatically mean that you feel connected to it on the inside.
You can have a successful career and feel completely unfulfilled by your work. You can have a loving family and still feel lonely. You can be in a relationship and feel emotionally disconnected from your partner. You can be financially comfortable and still feel as though something is missing.
Sometimes what you are missing isn't another possession, another experience or another achievement. It may be:
A stronger sense of connection with the people around you
Meaning or purpose in your everyday life
Time and space to rest rather than constantly achieving or doing
Emotional intimacy within your relationship
A sense of who you are outside of your responsibilities
Feeling understood, valued or genuinely seen by others
There can also be times when persistent sadness, loss of interest or pleasure, low motivation and emotional emptiness are signs that something more significant is going on, including depression. If you have noticed these changes continuing for some time, it is worth taking them seriously rather than simply trying harder to make yourself feel happy.
When You Stop Enjoying the Things You Used to Enjoy
Losing interest in things that you once enjoyed can be particularly unsettling. You might still go out, see friends, exercise, pursue hobbies or do the things you normally would, but find that they don't give you the same sense of enjoyment. You may even wonder whether something has changed in you.
This can lead to a frustrating cycle where you keep searching for something that will make you feel good again. You buy something because you think it will give you a lift, spend hours gaming because it helps you forget everything else, place a bet because you want that feeling of excitement, or constantly fill your time because being still leaves you alone with your thoughts.
When the feeling doesn't last, you may start looking for something else. Over time, you can become more focused on finding the next source of stimulation than understanding why you have lost your sense of enjoyment in the first place. Sometimes the answer isn't finding more ways to feel happy. It is understanding what has changed and what might be underneath the sadness, emptiness or disconnection.
What Are You Really Looking for When You Shop, Gamble or Game?
The behaviour itself can sometimes tell us something about what you need. Shopping may give one person excitement or a sense of reward, while for someone else it may provide an escape from difficult thoughts or feelings. Gaming can offer achievement, control, connection and a place where you know what is expected of you. Gambling can provide anticipation and excitement, particularly when everyday life feels predictable or flat.
That doesn't mean that everyone who shops, games or gambles is trying to escape their emotions. These things can simply be enjoyable activities. What matters is noticing the role they are playing in your life and whether you still feel in control of your choices. It may be worth paying attention if you find yourself:
Relying on shopping, gaming, gambling or other activities to change how you feel
Spending more time or money than you intended
Hiding what you are doing from your partner or people close to you
Finding it difficult to stop, even when you want to
Experiencing financial, relationship, work or other problems because of the behaviour
Feeling disappointed, guilty or empty once the activity is over
Rather than immediately asking yourself, “How do I stop doing this?”, it can sometimes be more helpful to ask, “What am I getting from this that I am not getting somewhere else?” That question can help uncover whether you are looking for excitement, relief, connection, escape, achievement or simply a break from what is happening inside your head.
You Don't Have to Feel Happy Before You Start Living
Rather than making happiness the goal, we can ask whether it is possible to build a life that matters to you even when difficult emotions are present. This is important because, if you spend most of your energy trying to get rid of sadness, anxiety, emptiness or discomfort, your life can gradually become organised around avoiding how you feel. The more uncomfortable the feeling becomes, the more you may look for something that will take you away from it. Rather than needing to get rid of them before you can move forward, you can learn to make room for them while still choosing actions that are connected to your values.
This might mean:
Reconnecting with people you care about
Being more present with your children or partner
Making changes at work that better reflect what matters to you
Returning to activities that give you a sense of meaning or achievement
Making more deliberate choices about how you spend your time
Taking care of yourself rather than constantly trying to escape how you feel
The goal isn't to pretend that you are happy when you aren't. It is about learning how to live in a way that feels meaningful and aligned with who you are, rather than waiting for the right feeling to arrive before you allow yourself to engage with your life.
How Feeling Empty Can Affect Your Relationship
What is happening internally can also begin to affect your relationship. Your partner may notice that you are distracted, emotionally unavailable or spending more time gaming, shopping, gambling or doing something else that helps you escape. They may feel as though they are competing with whatever you are using to get away from how you feel, while you may experience their concerns as criticism or pressure.
This can quickly become another difficult cycle between you. Your partner asks you to be more present, you feel criticised and pull away, they feel even more disconnected and push harder for a response, and you withdraw further. Neither of you necessarily wants the relationship to become this way, but the pattern can become difficult to step out of.
We can look underneath these behaviours to understand what is happening emotionally for both partners. Withdrawal, defensiveness or avoidance may be connected to feelings such as loneliness, shame, fear of failure, rejection or not feeling good enough. At the same time, the partner who is trying to get closer may be responding from their own fear of being unimportant, disconnected or unable to rely on the relationship. What can look like an argument about gaming, spending or gambling may actually be a much deeper conversation about feeling wanted, valued, safe or connected.
When couples begin to understand the pattern rather than simply blaming each other for their part in it, there is an opportunity to respond differently and rebuild connection.
What Counselling Can Help You Understand
Counselling isn't about judging you for the ways you have tried to cope. Instead, it provides an opportunity to become curious about what is happening underneath those behaviours and what you may actually need.
We can explore:
What you are feeling underneath the need for distraction
What you may be trying not to think about or feel
What has changed in your life that you may not have acknowledged
What you are missing from your relationships, work or everyday life
What gives you a genuine sense of enjoyment, connection or meaning
Whether the things you are doing to feel better are actually helping in the longer term
Understanding this can make it easier to make changes that are meaningful rather than simply trying to force yourself to stop doing something.
You Don't Have to Keep Chasing the Next Thing
If you recognise yourself in this, I don't think the answer is to simply take away everything you use to make yourself feel better. It is worth getting curious about what those behaviours are doing for you first.
When you shop, gamble, game, scroll or constantly keep yourself busy, what are you hoping to feel? Perhaps you are looking for excitement, relief, connection, escape or a sense of achievement. Maybe you simply need some time away from the thoughts that have been running through your head.
If you are feeling sad, empty, disconnected or unmotivated despite having a life that looks fine from the outside, you don't have to dismiss those feelings because you think you should be happier. There may be something important underneath them that deserves some attention.
At Anchoring Your Life Counselling, I work with men and women who are experiencing low mood, anxiety, overthinking, emotional overwhelm, relationship difficulties, work stress, life changes and a loss of enjoyment or motivation. Sometimes people come to counselling because they know something isn't right but aren't quite sure what the problem is or where to begin.
Counselling provides a private space to slow things down, understand what is happening beneath the surface and work out what needs attention.
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